Posted by: musingsofthemund | March 13, 2011

Christ Cocaine

I’ve come to a number of realizations over the past couple of days. I’m still processing through some of them. All of them, really. I don’t know really how to handle what I’m feeling. It seems that struggling with my faith is pretty much a constant anymore and maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be.

I chose a rather provocative title for this post. Some of you may see that title and find it instantly offensive. I’m okay with that.

You know what strikes me as funny? The way we Christians refer to our spiritual experiences. We call them mountaintop experiences, we call it being on fire for Christ, we call it being on a spiritual high. A spiritual high? Really? So Jesus is our drug of choice, then? The more I think of it, the more it feels like the comparison works.

And when we crash (or hit our lows) we say things like ‘Man, I’m just not feeling that close to God right now. I just need to spend some time with Him, I need to find a way to find the fire again.’ We sing songs about asking God to change us, to transform us, to consume us. Isn’t that ultimately what drugs do, too?

I’m at a spiritual low right now. In some ways, it feels like I’m building up a kind of spiritual tolerance. The “highs” don’t last quite as long as they used to, when they happen at all. I’m not finding much joy. When I’m in this “crashed” state, I find that my relationship with God is more a burden than a blessing. It’s so much work.

It was strange when I realized the other day how, in spite of knowing I probably should have been guarding the words coming out of my mouth over the past weeks, I haven’t been and it’s been a strangely liberating feeling.

Ouch.

I know, I know, God gives us rules and boundaries to protect us because He loves us. I know that. But there are times when it all feels so oppressive.

“But Edmund, you’re free from the law, you don’t have to live under the burden of sin and death anymore.”

It doesn’t always feel that way. Sure, I read the truth in the bible, but I have a hard time with it. It seems like this is so paradoxical. Free to be slaves to a different master. To Christ, instead of sin. We’re free from death and sin, yet that doesn’t mean we can go out and do whatever we want. Somehow the law can no longer crush us, yet we are still called to follow and obey it. Christ says His yoke is easy and His burden is light, yet He also says the road and gate to eternal life are narrow and hard to pass through. So which is it? I’m not saying I expect it all to be handed to me, at least I don’t think I am. Maybe that is what I’m saying.

I really don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m pretty sure that this “life abundant” that I’m living/seeking after probably isn’t supposed to feel like such a heavy burden. Maybe I’m trying to do too much “religion” and not enough “relationship”.

Relationship.

Sometimes I wonder if I really have a relationship with God. I mean, I guess I do. Maybe that’s not the real question. Maybe what I should be wondering is if I have a GOOD relationship with God. Why, you ask? I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about it lately. It seems that I draw as much pain from my relationship with Him as I do joy. Maybe even moreso on the pain. Part of me feels like He’s just waiting to squish me like a bug, break me down so he can put me back together and place me on the road to Holiness.

I don’t know. I hate saying this, but honestly, there are times when I really don’t like being a Christian. In times like this, I can’t tell if my faith is the only thing keeping me afloat or if it is the rock chained to my feet trying to pull me under. I despise being in a position where I’m capable of even asking such a thing.

But I’m crashed out. I need a Jesus fix or something. Need to get that high back, need to get that joy back. Oh that I would really seek Him like a coke addict seeks his cocaine.

Maybe I’m addicted to Him. Or maybe I’m addicted to myself. Either way, I need a fix.

What do you think? Is Christ simply like an addiction for us? Is it just about getting another Jesus high for ourselves? Or am I just viewing things too much through the melancholy tinted glasses and being too morose and/or crass?

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Responses

  1. Hey Edmund,
    We have that God-shaped hole in our hearts that can only be filled and satisfied with God. We try to fill it with all sorts of things some people relationships, others drinking, drugs, you name it. But our hearts are truly desiring God, I know that it doesn’t always feel that way, but ONLY He can satisfy us. Theres that verse in Luke 9:23 that says, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” It’s that everyday surrender.
    Anyways I know what you are saying about Jesus as a drug, but unlike a drug He’s not bad for you. So maybe, if someone were addicted to vitamins or something. Yeah, nevermind.

    Anyways I’m praying for you friend! πŸ™‚
    Hoping you can get high on Jesus soon!

    • Yeah, surrender is pretty difficult. Saw your blog on the subject and it’s leading me to write some thoughts on it myself. Thanks for the encouragement!

  2. Edmund! First I love you. And second what came to mind is kind Solomon, after a long time of seeking satisfaction he writes that it was all meaningless..and that to serve god was the only thing he found that had purpose.
    You may not know your lifes calling, or why your feeling down, but that doesn’t mean what your doing lacks purpose…though the clarity of the “why” aspect remains clouded. I think its interesting where logic takes us…we say “are these highs real or god experiences?” discredit them as emotions and then when the negative ones come, are they real? Obviously so! Does any feeling of wanting to praise god need to be thought through…or can it be just that, praising god cause your having a moment where your loving him extra. I think the genuine part is the heart that gets tested by fire, and that is where you now stand. How you chose these next steps and words will either refine or callous you. God seems to be working on you for quite a while…and I am both not envying you and jealous of you. God must have something great he wants to do with you. Even Jesus had to wait to start his ministry till his 30’s, something to think about.

    • Trying not to let this callous me. God’s working it out, reminding me that there is a deep and specific purpose to all of the pain and hurt, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant to endure. Isn’t it funny, how even knowing that everything else is meaningless, we still want to continue to pursue it anyway? Irrational creatures, we are…

  3. I think my subconscious has probably made that comparison before but my conscious mind has been too afraid to say it. I think you make a perfectly valid point, and I hold to what I’ve said before about you fitting in where I’m at right now – I may bring this concept up with a few specific people this week actually. I’ll catch up with you later today πŸ™‚

    • lol, you know that by commenting under the name “Me” you’re confusing people into thinking you’re me, right? Haha, glad to encourage you though.

  4. Our battle is not against flesh and blood (and that includes ours). We need to repent, and the Lord will turn to heal our land. Thanks for honest expression–it is monumentally important at all times!

    • Haha, well honest is the only way I know how to be. Especially in moments of weakness like this.


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