Posted by: musingsofthemund | February 18, 2011

My Actions Are Louder Than Your Words

I feel like this story chronicles some of what I’ve been dealing with/figuring out/going through/whatever over the past few weeks. Please feel free to comment below if you have feedback or thoughts.

My Actions are Louder than Your Words

“I have something I need to say and I don’t want you to interrupt me, I just need to say it.”

“Okay,” Abba said, his gentle eyes taking on a purposeful focus.

“I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I didn’t come to this lightly. I really want you to know that. I just– I– Look, before I go on, I just want you to know it’s not you, it’s me.’

Abba tilted his head a bit and continued to listen.

“This sounds like I’m breaking up with you or something which– well I guess that’s exactly what I’m doing. Like I said, it’s not about you, how could it be? You’re completely perfect and without fault and I love that about you. I yearn to be more like you. You have shown me so much love, more than I could begin to comprehend. In some ways, maybe that’s the problem. All I ever seem to do is trample all over it. I take advantage of you, I cheat on you and then when I realize the error of my ways, when I see the pain it causes myself, I come running back. And I am so caught up in my own hurt that I become unaware of the pain it causes YOU. Yet you receive me with open arms when I have nothing but my shame and regret and a desire to change to offer in return. It doesn’t seem fair. It hardly seems like I can even begin to claim that I love you, much less love you with my whole heart, yet you’ve never stopped loving me. If this hurts me so much, I cannot begin to fathom how much it hurts you, so to spare you that, I’ve decided that perhaps it is better that we part ways. I’m no good to you. I’m not good enough to be what I should be for you, I’m not good enough to love you in the way you deserve to be loved. So yeah. That’s what I wanted to say. This might hurt now, but I’m sure you’ll get over it and move on and be fi–.”

Abba’s eyes glistened, moistened by the forming tears. “No,” He said softly.

“No?”

“No,” He said more firmly, in a way that conveyed certainty but not anger, love but not condemnation.

“What– why?”

“I refuse to accept it. I do not recognize your breakup with me.”

“Are you not going to let me go?”

Abba frowned and sighed sorrowfully.

“No, I will let you go, if that is what you think you must do. But know this, even though you go, I will not leave you. I will continue to go with you, waiting with you, waiting for you.”

“You know, if this were coming from anyone else, I might think I was about to be stalked by some creep.”

“You cannot escape from my love, Edmund, even if you wanted to. Did you know that?”

“Well no, I guess I should have. But why? Why waste it on me?”

“What leaves you so convinced that it is a waste?”

“Shouldn’t you give it to someone less likely to trample all over it or something?”

“I will lavish my love upon whomever I desire, Edmund, and I desire you. I paid a great price because I desire you so much.”

“Yeah, I know, for you so love the world and all that.”

Abba smirked ever so slightly.

“You make it sound so trivial. While what you say is true, you are missing the point.”

“So what is the point then?”

“Yes, I so loved the world, Edmund, but there is so much more to it than that and it is my desire to show you that and to set you free with the truth! It is far more personal than simply the world. You see Edmund, for I so loved YOU, that I sent my only begotten son. I so loved YOU that I came down to rescue you from sin and death. THAT is the good news! I love you.”

“But–”

“No, now it’s your turn to allow me to speak. I know you struggle with the many abstractions surrounding this truth and what it means to love and follow me. I know it so very well. Your stubborn desire to be better than you are, to be Holy as your Heavenly Father is. I know the bitter sorrow that floods your heart when you fail. The anger you feel toward yourself and the self-loathing you wrestle with. You may find this hard to believe, but this is no accident! You are this way by my design. I know these things about you and so much more because I wove you together. I put together your body and your heart and your mind and your passion. I made you! And I love you so very much.

“But what about–”

“Shhh,” Abba said, putting a finger to Edmund’s lips.

“My actions speak louder than your words. My love speaks louder than your failure! For as my son lives in your heart, so also is a spirit of repentance born there daily. And as you abide in Him, so also will your heart be transformed and your life changed daily. Do I expect you to grow? Absolutely. Do I expect you to learn how to be more obedient? Absolutely. Do I expect you to figure out how to do this on your own? No! No, I do not. I would not leave you to such a hopeless task. It is in WEAKNESS that my strength is revealed. You are blessed because you know how weak you are!”

Edmund could barely breathe, the words sinking deep into his heart. He trembled.

“I did not love you just enough to save you, Edmund. I love you so much more than that. I want so much more for you than to save you from damnation and then to leave you where you are. I want to take you to the soaring heights! I want to lead you into an abundant life! I want to pick you up off the ground, wipe your tears away, and restore you. Why? Because I love you. Because I have adopted you into my family. I have called you my son and you are my son, indeed!”

Edmund’s eyes welled up as the doubts and fears in his heart began to crumble at the overwhelming magnitude of Abba’s love, but still he could not find his voice, so he continued to listen as Abba passionately continued.

“I know this may make you uncomfortable now, but I want you to know that this love extends further beyond sonship. You are my beloved. I love you and I desire you. I desire your time, I desire your presence. I desire to be with you. Every day I delight in you. When you come running to me, I delight in you. When you run your own way, my heart breaks but I delight in you. When you come to hear me speak to you, I delight in you. When you just stop to say hello and tell me about your day, I delight in you. I look forward to being with you more than anything you can imagine. In my infinite patience, I wait with the greatest of longing for you anytime you wander elsewhere. I am in love with you, Edmund. And it is not because of anything you do or bring to me. It is not because you are good or bad. It is simply because I want to, because it brings me great pleasure to do so.”

Abba paused as the tears ran down His face. Edmund started slowly but very quickly made his way into Abba’s waiting arms, tears streaming down his face as well.

“I know you want to please me, Edmund. Please consider staying here with me. Please do not go because you fear you are not good enough to please me or to love me or to make me happy. I love you. What I am asking from you right now Edmund is that you simply trust me. Trust that my love is big enough to cover you and anything you lack. Trust that I know what I am doing with your life. Trust that I who began a good work in you will bring it to completion. Trust me. I love you so very much. Amen.”

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Responses

  1. This is very insightful and beautifully written!

  2. excellent piece of work there Edmund! This is something that probably every christian, who tries to live up to what God commands, can relate to. I really like how the beginning… well, begins. The unclear context until abba says your name. And abba of course meaning “daddy”. Great name choice there.
    Didnt know you did this til now, ill keep my eye out for your next posting 🙂

    • Thanks! I’m glad you liked it. Yeah, I seem to have at least a bit of a knack for storytelling. I’ve got a few more stories on this blog in the aptly named “Stories” category if you feel like reading any more. I’m trying to get to where I’m updating this thing on a consistent basis but for now, I’m happy if I get in one post per week.


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