Posted by: musingsofthemund | September 28, 2007

Part II – “The Strength You Lack”

Current mood: chipper

The Strength You Lack
Part II

“What do you want me to be for you? I’m not strong, I don’t have all the answers… What could I possibly be for you?!”

“Stop it. Just stop. You don’t know what you’re saying. You are so terribly wrong.”

“But–”

“Shhh.”

She put a finger to his lips to quiet him down.

“I never asked you for all the answers.”

She smiled at him.

“All I asked for, all I want is you.”

He just stared at her stunned.

“And I don’t care that you don’t think you’re strong, because you’re stronger than you realize. And God will always make up for the strength you lack.”

“But… I ran… I ran away from you and went to work for these people… I’m not the same man. I–”

“I know.”

She ran her fingers down the side of his face, trying to comfort him.

“But I’m convinced that this is happening for a reason. There’s something bigger than this!”

The passion in her eyes was evident. He didn’t think it was possible to love someone and hate them at the same time.

***

His hands were bloodied. Not literally, of course, he’d never had a hand in the dirty work. They were bloodied more in the Lady MacBeth sense, in a vague sort of way. He knew what his work had enabled, knew that people were dead because of what he did. They told him that these were bad people, but that didn’t alleviate the stress and guilt that was currently gnawing at his insides.

He’d been pacing in his office, if you could call such a dim, dingy place an office, when he couldn’t take it any more and went out for a walk. Most of the time, the facility was in a high enough state of alert that getting out was impossible, but today was strangely calm. He would have snuck out either way, of course. The consequences couldn’t be any worse than we he was feeling then, he had mused to himself.

He hadn’t prayed in a long time, yet found himself doing so as he walked. He needed help, to get out. He wasn’t sure when it was that he’d stopped praying. Perhaps it was around the time that he’d given up any hope of getting away from this place. God certainly hadn’t seemed very interested in freeing him from this prison. He sighed. Blaming God for it seemed hollow and lame. Indeed, a little over three years ago, had he seem someone in a similar situation, he probably would have, as lovingly as he could, suggest that perhaps God had something else in mind, or that perhaps it would be just a bit longer before things would change.

He sighed again.

How could he reconcile his faith with what they’d forced him to do? They were going to kill her if he didn’t, and who knows what other harms they would have inflicted to force him to work for them? He wished they would have just put a bullet in his head. Sad, but at least he’d be in heaven right now and he wouldn’t be leading this miserable lie.

What was the point? He shook his head. He took a deep breath and was about to sigh again, when something caught his attention. It was a scent, a terribly intoxicating scent. One that he would recognize anywhere, but it was impossible… wasn’t it?

***

She awoke with a start. Her plane had landed. She wasn’t sure what she was doing here. Canada was frigid at this time of year to say the least. She shivered.

She’d been dreaming of him again. It was all about him. She could feel it. She didn’t know why or how, but she just could. She remembered the first time the idea had come into her mind. She thought she was crazy. Her friends thought she was crazy when she told them. So she prayed. There it was again, but surely this couldn’t be. Canada was the last place she’d wanted to go to in the middle of January. Yet here she was. She’d tried to ignore it, tried to fight it, but she felt a divine prompting, a burden to come to this place. She wasn’t even sure how long she would be here, she just knew to come.

The details will come as you need them, she’d felt God speak to her heart. Unforunately, God’s definition of need and hers did not completely line up. Somehow, she knew though. She knew that he would be here.

“Now where do I go, God? I’m here, now what?”

Silence.

She sighed, feeling a bit nervous for the first time since she embarked on this journey. What if she was wrong? What if her friends were right, that this was only going to end in hurt and wasted money?

She sighed, pulling her coat around her a little tighter as she left the airport. She’d brought enough supplies for a couple days, which were conveniently located in the backpack on her back. She still didn’t know how long she’d be here. She started walking, praying in her heart.

Well God, I’m here and I don’t really know why. I mean, I know you called me here and I know it has something to do with him… but I don’t even know where I’m going, so for now I’m gonna wander around and find a place to stay. Please be with him, God. Remind him of your faithfulness. Reunite us soon, God. I miss him so much. I can’t get this picture of his face, the day he left, out of my head God. He looked so scared. He was trying so hard to hold it together, to be strong and callous and to push me away… I won’t pretend to understand what happened that day God, but be with him, comfort him…

***

It had broken her heart that morning. It was so unreal, though. She was sure he would be back in a day or two, so it wasn’t until the end of the third day when he was still unreachable and hadn’t been into work or seen at his apartment that it really started to sink in. Their friends had all been so concerned, they filed a missing persons report, given the nature of his disappearance and the events leading up to it, but the police hadn’t come up with anything. His file was soon sitting in a cabinet collecting dust, no new leads since a few days after it was reported.

Her friends had been so great, coming up around her when this happened. They comforted her and tried over time to encourage her to move on, though he was the only one who would ever capture her heart. Eventually, she moved on and contented herself with the fact that maybe this was just God’s will for them and that it was the way it had to be. That didn’t stop her from praying for him every day. Praying for their reunion and his safety. She was always afraid that she’d wake up and see his body being pulled out of somewhere on the morning news or something. Some nights, she couldn’t sleep at all. Eventually, a few months later, God had given her a sense of peace about it all. She still prayed for him, but had a sense that God was taking care of him, answering her prayers.

***

Her reminiscence was interrupted by a hand tapping her shoulder. Her first inclination was to be terrified that she was about to be attacked, so she whipped around and took a few steps back.

They both froze. Was this really happening? His eyes were wide and tears began to form in hers. She ran and practically tackled him as she wrapped her arms around him.

“It’s you, it’s really you! I can’t believe it…”

She pulled away just enough to look at his face.

“I’ve dreamt of this day since the day I lost you…”

“You.. I..”

There was so much he wanted to say, so many words that had been aching to come out for so long, and they were all as far from his mind as they could possibly be. Nothing could have prepared him for actually getting to gaze upon her face once more. He finally wrapped his arms around her and squeezed.

Then, realizing the absurdity of letting her stay, he pushed her away.

“Stop, we can’t… it’s too dangerous. They’ll kill you if they know you’re here!”

Kill her? Had someone threatened to harm her? Was that why he left?

“There’s so much I wish I could tell you, but it’s better that I don’t. The less you know, the safer you will be. You need to go.”

She stared at him.

“No. I let you leave once, but not again. I won’t do it. There HAS to be something we can do. I love you too much to walk away now.”

“Trust me, these people.. they won’t hesitate. I can’t… I won’t let you die because of this. Please… go!”

Her eyes were red, the tears stinging her face in the cold air. His stubbornness was a bit painful, but she didn’t expect this to be easy. He was scared.

“I need you”

“What do you want me to be for you? I can’t protect you. I’m not strong, I don’t have all the answers… What could I possibly be for you?!”

“Stop it. Just stop. You don’t know what you’re saying. You are so terribly wrong.”

“But–”

“Shhh.”

She put a finger to his lips to quiet him down.

“I never asked you for all the answers.”

She sniffled and smiled at him through her tears.

“All I asked for, and all I want, is you.”

He just stared at her stunned.

“And I don’t care that you don’t think you’re strong, because you’re stronger than you realize. And God will always make up for the strength you lack.”

“But… I ran… I ran away from you and went to work for these people… I’m not the same man. I–”

“I know.”

She ran her fingers down the side of his face, trying to comfort him.

“But I’m convinced that this is happening for a reason. There’s something bigger than this!”

The passion in her eyes was evident. He didn’t think it was possible to love someone and hate them at the same time.

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